Jordan Jeffers

The Big Problems

In Religion on August 25, 2011 at 9:01 PM

A short introduction to something slightly less irrelevant

So you may be saying to yourself, “You know Jordan, you seem like a handsome gentleman who knows a lot about wizards that I’ve never heard of and don’t care about, so is there any way I can give you money for the privilege of reading your opinions of them?”

The answer, of course is yes. I don’t trust banks, however, so I must insist that all payments be made exclusively in gold dust.

However, there may be up to ten more of you who are also saying to yourselves, “I’d like to read something that’s not about wizards,” or perhaps, “I’d like to look at pictures of kittens.”  If so, you have once again come to the right place.

Because I bet that if you are saying all of these things to yourself, you’re probably also saying, “You know Jordan, what I’ve really been looking for is a series of essays about dense and intractable theological problems. Believe it or not that’s actually my favorite way to relax. Also, why did I use the word ‘intractable’? Do I usually ask myself this many questions? What’s going on here? Oh, look a kitten!”

5 out of 5 kittens recommend Jordan's awesome essays

I’ve decided, therefore, to perform a public service for the internet, and begin a series of nine essays on what I’m calling THE BIG PROBLEMS.

Now before I describe what this is, I’m going to caution you. Here’s my caution. Are you ready for my caution? Please prepare yourself for my caution.

These problems are mostly about:



Wait don’t leave! I promise I’ll still be funny.

Besides, I know that you are actually interested in this. Don’t shake your head; it’s true! In fact, I bet half of my current gold dust that you’re actually more interested in God than you are Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kris Humphries.

FYI – I spent about twenty minutes trying to come up with a good Kris Humphries-Kim Kardashian joke that hasn’t been done yet, and the best I could come up with is that you can rearrange the letters of “Kris Humphries” to spell “Hump her is risk.” (Anagram humor is the best kind of humor!)

Anyway, I bet the other half of my gold dust that, at some point in your life, you have gotten really mad about something that somebody said about God. That happens to ehvereeone (sound it out) – doesn’t matter if you believe in a particular God or not.

Now when it comes to God, there’s probably at least a dozen topics I could choose from. (Yes! That was supposed to be a joke! Seriously, don’t go.) I’ve decided to concentrate on nine of these topics, since I think they are the ones most worth thinking about. And by “most worth thinking about,” I mean, of course, that I think they will get me the most page views.

These nine Problems are divided into three categories, like this:

Problems for the Atheist

  • The Problem of Morality
  • The Problem of Truth
  • The Problem of Free Will

Problems for the Theist

  • The Problem of Evil
  • The Problem of Unfathomableness
  • The Problem of the Supremacy of Doubt

Problems for the Christian

  • The Problem of the Two Testaments
  • The Problem of the Ten Thousand Religions
  • The Problem of Hell (oh, and maybe heaven)

I know that this is just kind of a random list of stuff that doesn’t make any sense right now, but I promise it will make slightly less sense when we’re finished.

Now I plan on completely solving all of these problems over the course of this series, so if you know any hyper intelligent scholars that are looking at these sorts of things, be sure to give them my blog address. I promise to donate half of their gold dust to

A small observation

It’s odd, but it seems to me that the more complicated and controversial something gets, the louder most people start screaming about how simple it is.

And by “most people,” of course, I mean most of the people you see talking about homosexuals on CNN or posting controversial statuses on Facebook. These are what I like to call the “fake majority.” They’re the majority of what gets heard, but they’re not the majority of what gets thought.

Most people, the real most people, read something controversial and complicated and they think, “Hmm, this is controversial and complicated. I can’t really say for sure who’s right or wrong here.” They might think about it for a little while, but mostly they just go about their days and try to be decent human beings.

I really want these people to read this.

Because frankly I’m not here to tell you that you’re an idiot for believing something different than me about the most difficult and complicated subjects in human history. I’m here to tell you that you’re going to burn in hell.

Just kidding! Or am I? I don’t know. Which is really a bit frightening.

We’ll get there.

Jordan Jeffers is a graduate student and future famous novelist. If you want to offer him a book deal (or if you just want to chat), write to him at He’d also like to thank his special guest editor for this post: Ryan Goetz

  1. Hey dear handsome and intelligent son. I can’t wait for this blog. I’m going to be really annoying and comment on your logic and analysis. See, I’ve spent many years and tens of thousands of dollars just for the privilege of thinking and reflecting on many of these topics. Are you up for the challenge? or do you just want me to read and be quiet…….like I try so hard to do…really I do.

    • Dearest and most beautiful mother,

      Indeed I quite hope that you will continue to annoy me with commentary. For, having also spent many thousands of dollars of your money, I can confirm that spending your money does indeed lead to advanced critical thinking skills, skills I could only dream of achieving through spending my own money. I hope therefore, that together we might represent the best of what your money has to offer.

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